Lesson from the Storm

Hey there! I'm June and I'm going to review this for you .

Lightening thunders across the sky.

I feel the rain and sigh.

A cool breeze hits my face

Like a tender loving embrace.

Okay! There are lots of things I like and don't like about this stanza. Let's start with what I like:

• The feeling - you're giving us the exact way that it feels. In a way, that's good and bad!
- It's good, because you want the reader to know what you're feeling as you stand there, but!
- It's half bad, because you're telling us exactly what the feelings are instead of camouflaging them in your words. So!

• I am not so wild about - The usage of the pronoun, "I". I personally think that switching to your own viewpoint in a poem that opens indirectly is some what a bad thing. It's like turning the poem away. It's not a bad thing, dear, that's just my opinion.

Also! The tone of this seems to tune a bit too; at first it's implied that it'd be more hostile than loving and tender... right?

My eyes follow the dancing water

Like a performance from our heavenly Father

Blessing everything below

A precious gift He has bestowed.

• Pronoun; My - Okay! This is changing it in another direction again. Like this:

* The wind blows across the faces of those who stand in the rain
* I feel the wind blow across my face as I stand there in the rain
* My body feels the wind across it, as I stand there in the rain.

You see how I basically said the same thing in different ways? It feels a bit like your poem is taking a bit too many shifts with this, dear.

I am amazed at His power

How everything has a certain hour

In which His almighty hand

Completes His all perfect plan.

Okay! Now, this isn't quite working, dear . No offense-- I'm not trying to be harsh.

So, the problem is, first, in the opening stanza, you're generalistic. Then, you become inner-personal, and then you become outward-personal. I'm not so sure if that's going to work, because when we come to this stanza, we are referred to a He which we have no knowledge of.

Personally, I can understand this as representing God, but I could easily become confused with this part. Because, here you're headed in an almost completely different direction than you began in.

The minutes, the hours, the days, and the nights

Are just out of my sight

But God foresees each one of these

And fulfills them with such ease

Quick note, deary! You can't actually "See" hours and days-- but you can see nights! This kind of sounds oxymoronish in a way .

Also! You're telling us now that you're speaking of God-- personally, I think that you should introduce him sooner to us, dear.

His majesty shines bright in my eyes

There will be no goodbyes

For He sent His only son

So His will could be done.

Now, here's where I am confused. It's turned from nature to this? I'm not trying to sound negative, dear, I'm only trying to point out a few things .

Through nature and my thunder storm

I see a child that was born

To save a fallen world from sin

That heaven might be opened to all men.



I continue to watch the darkened sky

Tears come though I try not to cry

In thankfulness for my king

Who took me under his loving wing.



I will not forget this night

Even through my plights

And the lessons it has taught

About my King and His plot.

• Okay, so in these last few stanzas, things became a little confusing. You seemed to jump a few times between God and Nature, and I don't think that it's worded clearly enough for the reader to understand without becoming confused.

There was one point in here, when I thought you were talking about God, but as I read it again, it seemed like you weren't?

* *

Overall!

• Don't get me wrong, just because I couldn't fully understand it, I don't doubt that this has potential. I think it does. I think that you should pay attention to:
- Thought wording: Try and make sure that how it sounds to you will be the same way it sounds to other people.

- Organization: Make sure that you're not confusing us between the two things that are being used here. In a way, they're connected, but in another way they are so different-- you don't want to mix those up.

• What is your thunderstorm? I can't tell what it is? It seems as if it's a trial you overcome, but you're not giving us enough to define what it actually is.


On the whole, good job, dear. Keep it up! I hope I didn't sound too harsh

June